from the National Lottery website, these words, surrounded by animated glittering stars.

“Ms. R from County Antrim has just won £2.00!”

ooh

I’ve mucked up the site a bit… maybe I can get the heading up again…ahhh

the Classification of Animals

 

In the Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge, it is written that animals are divided into:

1. those that belong to the Emperor,
2. embalmed ones,
3. those that are trained,
4. suckling pigs,
5. mermaids,
6. fabulous ones,
7. stray dogs,
8. those included in the present classification,
9. those that tremble as if they were mad,
10. innumerable ones,
11. those drawn with a very fine camelhair brush,
12. others,
13. those that have just broken a flower vase,
14. those that from a long way off look like flies.

why I don’t believe in an infinite universe.

(A lecture, foaming at the mouth)

“…An infinite universe doesn’t just mean that there are other planets, distant from ours, in which everything happens just the same, throughout the whole of history and forever into the future.

Or that there are other planets where everything is exactly the same bar a single event- you dropped a peanut, instead of eating the peanut.

And a Multi-verse of parallel Universes doesn’t just mean other universes peeling off every time an event with various probabilities occurs- you might eat a peanut, instead of dropping it- whoosh, there’s another universe to accommodate that.

“
No no. not just that. It means that there is a world, or a universe, for every variety of slight difference of cellular decay in each of the cells in my arm. And your arm, but let’s stick with my arm for now.

And it means an infinite number of worlds that are exactly the same as this world. And an infinite number of worlds only slightly different. That’s what an infinite universe means.

You see, I can cope with an infinite number of different planets, full of different things each with their special meanings, but an infinite number of planets with only one mundane atoms difference and the whole of the rest of the planet EXACTLY THE SAME is too much.

Knowledge has moved away from everything revolving around us, either as replicants of the Divine or as the center of the solar system. An infinite number of universes makes a cell in my arm a central difference between here and at least an infinite number of other planets, and that I find hard to accept.

Nature just isn’t that inefficient.

Thank you for your kind attention…”

state-of-the-art virtual aquarium

Have you always dreamed of owning a aquarium filled with exotic fishes and sealife but the time, cost, and maintenance of a real tank was simply too much? Well, with Aquazone Seven Seas Deluxe, your dream has come true! Aquazone delivers a state-of-the-art virtual aquarium on your Mac or PC! Aquazone is so vibrant, so life-like, you will swear the fish are real! You will submerge your Mac or PC in water and sprinkle it with fish food! You will curse as your collection of realistic and exotic fishes and sealife disappear and you are left with a short circuited house and a mess of defunct technology and fish flakes! Your vivid dreams of vibrant, life-like fish will return but this time they will taunt you! Taunt you until your dying day!

Todays Header Image

Today’s header Image is of a Cormorant, which is a bird that lives of fish because it relies on regular intakes of OMEGA 3. I have written a poem-slash-limerick about OMEGA 3:

A Man who liked Omega 3
also liked traveling for free.
When asked for his ticket
he replied double-quicket:

“I’m over sixty young man which means i have a freedom pass and don’t have to pay for journeys on public transport, and what’s more I’m pretty certain i’ve earned it too.”

today’s header image

Today’s header image represents Hubris and a general lack of perspective. The creature on the stem of my custard tree is not, as it may at first appear to the uneducated eye, a mosquito. I’m not sure of it’s genus. It may be a fruit fly. Whatever it is, it is not what it clearly imagines itself to be, which is King of the Twig.

It is the biggest of the animals that live on my custard tree, and it has broad hairy shoulders, but if I open the window and shoo it away it will be banished for ever.

Should I draw some conclusions about my own precarious position on this mortal coil, and gain a humbling perspective from my observations of the humble fruit fly?

.
No, fuck off, I’m King of the Twig.

Smart ass fruit fly.

shoo shoo, out the window with you.

Post script:

Hello. Some time after this badly unmoderated post, I have discovered that my Custard Tree, that I have gently tended since about 1998, is not, in fact, a Custard Tree, as it said on its label.
It is a Radermachera Sinica, a foliage plant.

You live and learn.

Forgotten Explorers - Remembered

In this section i would like to remember some explorers who have made significant contributions to the way we see the world. They handed the metaphorical baton of their findings to the next pioneering soul. They probably weren’t all very nice though. But some might have been. This is a serious factual section.

This is Salomon August Andreé, 1854-97. He was an engineer at the Stockholm Technical Institute and specialized in Balloons and Balloon Expeditions. After overcoming many funding difficulties he started a exhibition to the North Pole by hot air balloon in 1896 but had to wait for a south wind until the 11.7.1897. His expedition companions were Strindberg and Fraenkel. It was only in 1930 that their remains were found by seal hunters on the island Vito.

Vicious Things

There are no elephants. Not in the middle of town. But he further you get from the middle of the town the more elephants there are and the more guns you need.

Philip Button, 48, tourist, gun-less.

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